Reflections of the Hirsute

I have to say that my wife’s last post was a bit angry. Am I gross, as Nancy suggests? Maybe. But, I’m gross for a lot of reasons. I refuse to let my hair be blamed for my grossness.

I personally believe that my wife is a bit of hypocrite. Her hair is everywhere. It’s all over the place. We have cats, and they shed. Everything produces hair. That’s just the way it is. How do I get blamed for all the hair issues in this house? I know what they say about excuses. Everybody’s got them and they all stink, so I proposed a solution to my wife. Why don’t you comment and let me know which of these is the most viable...

First, twobuyfour suggested that I be shaved bald. I couldn’t agree more. I hate hair. I’ve always hated hair. My hair and everyone else’s. So, here’s what I suggest. Janice is welcome to shave me bald. All my body hair—she can do it all. But, my only stipulation is that she continue to do it. I can’t reach all the places, and, due to my rather portly physique, I can’t see what I can reach. It makes me nervous to take a razor to sensitive places when I can’t see. Moreover, after a day or two, it starts to itch as it starts to grow. Thus, the only solution is that Janice will, every few days, have to shave me bald as a newborn baby. What does she think of that?

She’s also very concerned about my wanting a television. I’ll make her this deal. We’ll go out right now and buy a nice 52-inch plasma television. At that point, I will relinquish all rights to the bathroom. I will clean myself outside, and I will make the great outdoors my toilet. The neighbors may not like it. And, it’ll be hard to hide in the winter when it snows, but I’m a man of my word.

So, ladies and gentlemen, which of these alternatives is better? Let us know, and I’ll let you know how it turns out. Evolution is the only real solution to hair, and I’m happy to announce that I’m working on a formula to speed the slow process up. Wish me luck.

Chris

P.S.: Where does a bear go?