What the World Needs Now…

...is me. That’s right, me! Well, alright, I’ll condescend and say that “me” means “us.” I know, “Let me not to the marriage of two minds admit impediment” (Shakespeare). I’ve come to realize that, any time I say “me,” I mean “us.” I know better.

What’s funny is that the same goes for Janice. When someone says, “Hey do you want to do something this weekend?” she says, “Sure WE do!” As though I want to do anything…ever. Yet, there I am, a few days later, sitting at my in-laws’ house, and all I can think about is playing video games or sleeping in my favorite chair with my favorite foot stool. (I know there’s a word that sounds like Ottoman, as in the Ottoman Empire, but I can’t spell it.)

This is a lesson I’ve learned about marriage. When you’re single, women want you because you’re dangerous. That’s why my wife married me. But, as soon as you’re married, women want to change you. And, in the early years of marriage, you want to please your mate, so you concede. You may even enjoy it. Then, the next thing you know, you’re strapped to the hood of the car like a dead deer while this so-called “mate” is taking you to look at curtains. (Is there anything worse than curtain shopping?)

I love my wife. Few would doubt that. And, because of that love, somehow I always find myself doing stuff I don’t want to do. I know for a fact that my wife can’t complain that I make her do stuff she doesn’t want to do. I don’t make her do anything! In fact, I encourage the idea of doing nothing.

So, let me hear from you. Ladies, what have you made your man do lately that you knew he didn’t want to? Gentlemen, what have you done for your woman that you just can’t stand? Feel free to share and post under a fake name. I’ll never tell.

Chris

Betcha thought

You'd never hear from us again. Well you aren't quite so lucky! Life in our household has been insanely busy and GOOD over the past 2 months. We are all exhausted completely, but look forward to sleeping one of these days, or weeks, or months.

For starters, hubby got a new job. This is the PERFECT thing for our marriage. He won't be home much at all anymore. No doubt we will have decades of wedded bliss because of this. He is the boss (or one of the bosses I guess) of a high school. How funny is that? My husband, who much prefers to stay at home in his underwear playing PS2 on his NEW big ass TV is actually in charge of a whole grade level of high school kids, numbering 600! If those kids only knew that he is just a giant kid and nothing more. Thankfully for him, he hasn't let his secret out and he is at the very least feared and quite possibly respected amongst the kids. I'm sure he will have plenty to say about his new job. Maybe he'll make a guest appearance soon.

In other news, our baby turned 3! We had a rockin' good dora and diego fiesta for her birthday. She was the only kid, and let me tell you she let all that attention go right to her head. It has been said (not by me) that 3 year olds are the devil's spawn. I believe it now more than ever. EVERYTHING is a battle. I have a new suit of armor prepared for today. Let's hope she doesn't find the achille's heel.

I have a feeling you will see more of us soon. More exciting news on the horizon!

Poopy Talk

I’ve realized that my wife and I have bathroom conversations. And, since this is the blog about what a man and a woman think about when they’re in the bathroom, I thought I’d share.

We don’t often talk in the bathroom. This is difficult, naturally, because the size and the shape are prohibitive. (I mean the size and shape of the bathroom, not of us. Although, our size and shape prohibits us from many things.) But, we do talk about the bathroom.

As I’ve mentioned, and, as my wife has nagged about, I spend a lot of time in there. And, I do love the bathroom. I like a small, cozy spot to do my business. (Nevermind that my legs always fall asleep.) However, the one dislike that I have is, no matter how warm it is outside, the porcelain is always as cold as ice when I sit down. It’s like sitting naked on the hood of a car in Antarctica. You’d think I’d remember after all the years of practice, but it still catches me by surprise every time.

Well, last night, Janice had just finished her routine when I assumed the position. It was warm and wonderful. I really liked not jumping when my ass hit. I opened the door and shared my joy with my significant other.

Despite my happiness at not having my testicles shrivel into raisins at the first onset of cold, something wasn’t quite right. Upon further examination, I determined what it was. Yes, the porcelain is cold, but that means that it’s not been used. There’s something antiseptic, something clean, about a cold toilet. It means that it’s fresh. A warm toilet seat, implies all of the horrible bugs, germs, and God knows what else that ferments in a bathroom in which I spend excessive amounts of time.

To sum up in a basic algebraic equation…

Warm toilet=nice, but shady.

Cold toilet=unnerving, but safer.

And, good pooping.

Chris

Happy New Year!

Just a quick note to wish our reader a Happy New Year. The hubby and I are really working on getting back into a blogging schedule. It is one of the few things we enjoy doing together, so we shouldn't really let it go.
Hope you all have a very happy and healthy year ahead. Stay tuned for new developments in our household. In the meantime, hubby is FINALLY back at work after a LONG time at home for the holidays, so I'm going to go relax in peace and quiet. Well, as much as you can get with a beligerent toddler.

The Christmas Letdown

I guess I am rather scrooge-ish. As soon as we walked in the door from our Christmas Day madness, all I could think of was taking our tree and various decorations DOWN. Of course, it is two days later and it is all still up. But, it isn't my fault! The kid and I are both sick as heck. I guess that is forcing us to stay in the holiday spirit a little bit longer. That is, if you consider laying on the couch hacking a lung up unable to breathe being in the holiday spirit!

And now, the moment you have all been waiting for! What exactly was IN those two bags under the Christmas tree that were for me?!?! Any guesses? Come on, don't cheat, submit your guesses before you ruin the fun!

And the answer is: A new bathroom rug! Ok, not only a new bathroom rug but also some gingerbread scented bath stuff and a gift card to Old Navy! Sadly, the new bathroom rug is my favorite gift. This is what my life has become! Oh, and my other favorite gift was from my sister. Are you ready for this? New cookie sheets!

I fully expect that all of you will now comment about how much of a life I need to go find. And, that is ok. I understand, and I agree. In the meantime, I am going to go sit on the rug in my bathroom and bake cookies because it is just THAT awesome.