The Christmas Letdown

I guess I am rather scrooge-ish. As soon as we walked in the door from our Christmas Day madness, all I could think of was taking our tree and various decorations DOWN. Of course, it is two days later and it is all still up. But, it isn't my fault! The kid and I are both sick as heck. I guess that is forcing us to stay in the holiday spirit a little bit longer. That is, if you consider laying on the couch hacking a lung up unable to breathe being in the holiday spirit!

And now, the moment you have all been waiting for! What exactly was IN those two bags under the Christmas tree that were for me?!?! Any guesses? Come on, don't cheat, submit your guesses before you ruin the fun!

And the answer is: A new bathroom rug! Ok, not only a new bathroom rug but also some gingerbread scented bath stuff and a gift card to Old Navy! Sadly, the new bathroom rug is my favorite gift. This is what my life has become! Oh, and my other favorite gift was from my sister. Are you ready for this? New cookie sheets!

I fully expect that all of you will now comment about how much of a life I need to go find. And, that is ok. I understand, and I agree. In the meantime, I am going to go sit on the rug in my bathroom and bake cookies because it is just THAT awesome.

It's True!

Yes folks, it is true! He is as helpful as he sounds. Aren't I lucky? To prove it, he is sleeping soundly at this late 9:30 hour. And, last night, while I wrapped presents for our daughter, he diligently played video games. I'm sure today, while I try to make a pathway through this cluttered cave we live in, he will be just as helpful and make a mess just so that I don't have the opportunity to sit down and relax tonight.
The only thing he has going for him right now is that he in fact has already bought me a couple of christmas gifts, and he bought them before the 24th! I guess we will know if he REALLY has anything going for him when I open them and see what they are.

Here We Go Again

My wife has been ragging me for not writing on our blog. She’s been holding it up for weeks. But, as soon as I start writing again, I get crapped on. (The crap reference only seemed natural with all of the toilet humor that’s going around.)

On the one hand, I don’t want this blog to turn into “Crap on Chris.” (Although the title is catchy.) That’s not why we’re here. We’re here to educate the populace on real life marriage and how it works and doesn’t work. On the other hand, a husband being defecated on is pretty much what a real marriage is like. So, maybe I don’t have a choice in the matter.

That said, I feel it necessary to defend myself, which, again, is something that a real-life husband spends far too much time doing. Here’s what I have done this Christmas season to help my wife…

*Last night I went to the video store and rented six movies to watch. One of them was a new Dora the Explorer to entertain the baby. I think that’s good enough, but I’ll go on.

*I’ve played hours of NCAA Football and Madden just so I wouldn’t go into the kitchen and disturb my wife who was working hard.

*I’ve taken a nap four out of the last five days so I can be rested at nighttime when the baby is hardest to deal with.

*I have actively ignored my child so as not to encourage her to be facetious or act out.

*I have successfully explained the mechanics, benefits, and drawbacks of the naked bootleg to my wife. (It’s a football play, not a sex game.)

*I have not spent a single thing on Christmas gifts. Money is tight in our house. I don’t want to be the one to use it all up. My wife takes care of the Christmas shopping. She can buy herself something.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I have done so much that, I think my wife, who sweats the small stuff some times, can’t see the big picture and how hard I work for this family.

Chris

Christmas Fun!

I love my daughter, I adore her with all of my heart and soul. But, is it too much to ask to do something, ANYTHING in peace and quiet?! Between the kid and the hubby, I need a place to escape to. At least hubby can hide in the bathroom. Me? I'm not so lucky.
I have been trying to bake cookies for a couple of days now, but with an extra set of 2 year old hands involved, it is very very slow going. So, to all those people who are getting baked goods from us for Christmas, hang tight, you should have them by New Years. However, remember that they were handcrafted with love by my non-germy 2 year old!
About the whole Santa thing, my daughter got a letter in the mail from Santa the other day. How magical. For all of us! We really don't know where it came from and can only assume my father had his hand in it. So far, this holiday season has been a ball. I'm sure it will only get better as she gets older. And hopefully, by next year, she will lose interest in being my little elf.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have been told it's time for a pee pee party!

Follow Through

Before I begin, let me clarify my title. In truth, it’s a lame pop culture reference. But, in my mind, it’s quite complicated. Not so long ago, when the world was a simpler place. Donald Rumsfeld was still Secretary of Defense. The highest guy in town was still Rush Limbaugh (or maybe a Kennedy), not somebody from Heroes. It was a time when the Republicans were still in charge, and America was ready for a quick exit from Iraq.

A little show called The O.C. was tops on the tube, and Gavin Degraw’s song, Follow Through made it onto the show to back one of the moody montages that accompany most teenie bopper shows. I was immediately in love with the sexy young crooner. What can I say? I’m a sucker for a sexy voice. Before you knew it, I had Chariot, the album, and I was a fan.

That has absolutely nothing to do with this post or with my marriage. No, this is all about following through, but I used the song there. You see how clever I am? I hope so because I remind my wife just how damned smart I am, but she doesn’t believe me.

What this is about is doing stuff. My wife and I had a discussion not so long ago about projects. We were putting in floors—a subject which has been thoroughly covered by my more than significant other. She has even recently mentioned her inability to complete projects. I am very different from her in this respect. And, I figured out how I’m different.

My problem usually isn’t finishing projects. Rather, I don’t like to start them. It’s not because of a fear of failure. My wife will be more than happy to point out that my ego would never allow me to admit that I could possibly fail. No, it’s got nothing to do with my ego. It’s all about my ass. Yes, I love my ass. Most of all, I love sitting on my ass. And, sitting on my ass precludes any sort of what I like to all “activity.”

Thus, where my wife will start a master’s program and never finish it. I will manage to put off turning in my Ph.D. program application for six months. I’ll take a little thing like putting a shelf on the wall and avoid starting that for at least a month. Most of all, I can take a job like writing a blog or writing and novel and never do it. That’s impressive stuff. Don’t you think?

What does all this mean? (I can’t count how many times I’ve asked myself that question.) Usually (and this is no exception), the answer is a resounding “NOTHING!” Nevertheless, I am here with a vow. Consider it an early New Year’s resolution. I resolve that from this point on. I will try to babble incoherently as often as I can on the Internet about my marriage. I will make stupid pop culture references and spend an inordinate amount of time explaining them. I will badmouth my wife and spend the rest of the night apologizing.

I apologize to all three of our readers and to my wife for being a non-starter, and I aim to change my ways. May God have mercy on all your souls.

Chris

How Does This Happen?

EVERY single day I tell myself, today you will blog. As you can see, it has been more than 2 weeks since I have done so. This happens every time I tell myself I will make blogging a priority. Do I have some disorder that doesn't allow me to follow through or actually do anything on my to do list? I am really starting to think so.

On the up side, we have a FLOOR! And, and, and... WE ARE STILL MARRIED! For that, I'd like to thank our friend Jonathan. He helped us do the floor. Nevermind, I lied, he put the floor in and we stood around twiddling our thumbs. This is precisely why we are still married. It would have been far too difficult for us to do on our own. It never would have been finished, and for sure, my husband would be living in the car. Now, we just have to finish the project and put the trim up. Do I have some disorder that does not allow me to complete a project, like completely? Yes, I'm pretty sure this is the case.

It's almost Christmas. How exciting. The kid is at an awesome age! She doesn't quite get the whole purpose behind the season, you know the REAL purpose. She has definitely picked up on the whole getting presents thing already. I know she will be very very spoiled this Christmas, and not by us! As for the decorations, the boxes are out and the decorations are still in them. I'm starting to see a trend.

Don't even ask about my long forgotten masters program. I think I'll try again in a couple of years, after we are done with babies. In the meantime, add it to the list of completely incomplete things. (And yes, that was an awfully expensive thing to blow off).

So, tell me, what is my problem? What did my parents do to me as a child to make me this way? Please tell me so I can save my own kid from this fate!