The Family Outing

You ever wonder why the United Nations is largely ineffective? Take North Korea for example… The U.N. passed a “resolution” in which they told Kim Jong Il to stop testing nuclear (or is it nucelar?) weapons. And, what did that freak do? He fired a missile into the water. (I guess it’s more impressive than anything I can do.)

Doing anything with your family is much like being part of the U.N. Remember the days when it was just you and your wife/husband? Weren’t those great? You stayed up all night talking. You had sex in the middle of the day. You went out for ice cream when you felt like it and drove an extra ten miles just so you could “be together.” Now, you’re in bed with the sun. The middle of the day is reserved for Dora the Explorer. And, ice cream trips, while frequent, involve a quorum vote and a banging gavel.

Here’s how it works…

1. Someone suggests ice cream. It’s usually my wife because she’s addicted. It’s a New England thing. The baby is getting off to a young start. So, I never win this one.

2. I’ve usually got a big game going. Probably, I’m Michigan and on the verge of upsetting Penn State. But, like a good small nation, I’ll stop what I’m doing and do what France wants. (Maybe I need a nuclear weapon. Then, she’ll listen.)

3. We’ll drive to a place that is far away; not to spend more time together, but just to annoy me.

4. We’ll engage in said activity—the eating of the cream that is iced. I’ll have something small. Although, when it comes to ice cream, there’s no such thing as small north of New York.

4a. In the mean time, the baby manages to get ice cream all over everything including me, and, because of her addiction, my wife licks up every drop. Yeah, it grosses me out, too. The baby actually ends up eating very little, and due to the size of the ice cream, I’m out like ten bucks, so she can have about four adult-sized bites.

5. We drive home. I’m covered with ice cream, and on the verge of vomiting. My wife is complaining about having to clean the baby’s clothes (Then, why did you get her chocolate ice cream? Answer that question for me!)

In the end, nothing has changed. Tomorrow will be a repeat performance. What is truly amazing about the whole experience is that I can complain about it all the time, and it’s like I’m not even here.

So, I’ll leave it for you to decide. Am I the U.N. and my wife and child North Korea and Iran? Or, am I some poor little nobody country like Canada with nothing but Celine Dion to export?

I’m done. Once my wife reads this, I will be severely beaten. Good luck in your future ice cream trips. Remember me.

Chris